One of those things that when you’re ‘fine’, you’re fine. You cant remember why you were bawling, screaming or weeping half an hour, a day or a week earlier. Before I came off it earlier in the year, I’d been on the pill for 7 years, and- coincidentally or not- had swung through biannual periods of depression for -you guessed- about the past 7 years.
So although I don’t LIKE them, I’m used to my moods- and more importantly, Rob is used to them too. Infact he can forecast them like a meteorologist- which although you think might be handy, hearing “I KNEW you were gearing up for a fight/meltdown/tantrum” actually does very little to help in the heat of moment!
So here’s a retrospectively funny story from 4 days before I found out I was pregnant.
Monday evening, as Rob later claims to have predicted, a big meltdown. I cant remember why, I cant remember the trigger or what it was even really about. But by the by it came down (in my head) to something about me not having a purpose in life. The edited version went something like this:
WHY didn’t I know by now what I wanted to be? WHY wasn’t I more worried about that fact? WHAT skills do I actually possess? And most importantly, haunting me since my teenage years WHY CANT I JUST BE A MUM? Why isn’t that a viable life-option anymore? Why, now in 2016, are you looked down upon if you ONLY want to be a Mum?- WHY can’t I say, outloud, to my millennial peers, “I dont KNOW what I want to do, I just know that I want to have BABIES!” And that be socially acceptable? I feel it and I’ve felt it for so long that nothing else will seem right until that hole is filled. In my heart, it’s all I’ve ever really known for sure that I wanted, and why can't that be okay? Cue sobbing, snot and sofa hugging.
It was a mega-mama meltdown; without stimulus, provocation or any real trigger. Four days later, my period didn't come, and I got those two pink lines. 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant.
My body obviously knew; my hormones were screaming at my emotions and my emotions were screaming at Rob and the world in general. I still struggle with current perceptions, and that is what held me back from celebrating and really owning this pregnancy at the beginning. And then, a friend said to me, “The world needs mothers. It will always need mothers.” And I feel happier, and I’m going to rock this motherhood thing.
I need to just set a little aside to Rob here. He wanted to be a “young” dad. He probably wasn’t planning on being 25. But unsurprisingly to those that know him, he’s taken and continues to take everything in his laid back stride with patience, love and a sense of humor that has kept me afloat for so long, and for many years to come. I love you, Bobin, and thank you.